throw my head
Monday, May 29, 2006
my head feels like its going to fucking drop off
my sister is behind me mumblng
incoherent words i don't even understand.
and my head is swelling
damn it i wish i had a fucking eating disorder.
maybe i shld be bulimic
should start fucking run
and control my fucking weight
its getting out of hand.
im fucking 86kg.
i'm your fat pig.
your fattest pig.
so i should just shut up right
and be more proactive right?
and work harder.
but i guess i dont believe in myself anymore.
no faith in me.
and i just need to graduate
cant wait for graduation
when finally i will be free from my mom
nagging at my ears
telling me what to do
controlling my life
i'm not a child anymore.
do i look like one?
have u seen my pussy lately?
argh fuck la.
i need an eating disorder.
i need to be skinny
i need to purge.
and u say i'm falling down?
fuck you.
--insignificant lies--
10:46 pm
rough, rougher, roughest days.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
im slowly fading.
deeper into the abyss.
am i that same falcon, taken into flight
by mystical nights
where were you when i died?
those nights of pure heaven
of carnal intentions and pursuits
in throes of saccharine sweetness, we flew away together.
but now with one wing i flap, fall to the ground
thudding silence
i reach for an apparition
my mind caves in.
in the same way,
all over again.
and in the same way,
all over again.my thoughts linger
to memories of the past. where was i then? where have i reached now?
nothing seems real. reality runs further from the truth
my shoulder shudders at the sounds of breathing
the breathing that i miss.
khai and me. we sat.
we analysed everything. nothing disappeared. in mixes of coffee and smoke.
my memories floated in the wisps.
it slaps u in the face when u talk to someone who's known u forever.
8 years is no joke.
and she knows how i feel about that woman.
about farha.
about everything.
woman, i have fallen for your unguarded beauty.
woman, i have allowed you the honour of taming my heart
woman, i have fallen from grace
woman, i have shattered my heart.im just rambling incessantly.
its like im floating
murmurring incoherent shit.
well.
good night.
some pics we took.
--insignificant lies--
2:14 am
how i feel right now.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
and i tell in song.
i am nothing more than a little girl crying.Where do you go with your broken heart in tow?
What do you do with the left over you?
And how do you know, when to let go?
Where does the good go, where does the good go?
Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive,
Look me in the heart and tell me you won't go,
Look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love,
Look me in the heart and unbreak broken, it won't happen.
It's love that breaks the seal of always thinking you would be,
Real, happy and healthy, strong and calm, where does the good go?
Where does the good go?
Where do you go when you're in love and the world knows?
How do you live so happily while I am sad and broken down?
What do you say it's up for grabs now that you're on your way down?
Where does the good go, where does the good go?
- Tegan and Sara; Where does the good go-
--insignificant lies--
2:41 am
sickness of silence.
Monday, May 01, 2006
so i wonder again about
everything.
its a pain when you think too much
you always feel like the sky is falling
like you're falling.
the weekend was a bust.
was supposed to be a fun night on saturday
but i ended up with a headache
eating mee bandung at 3am
it was supposed to be me, hana and liza
with hana's bf friends..
zack picked up me, hana and liza..
then we drove down to wala wala
the guys got drunk even before the fucking clubbing
GUYS!
and we had to take cab to MOS
despite the fact that all those fucking idiots drive
MOS was packed. like duh obvious.
we were there at one..
smoove was so packed..
i almost died of suffocation and of being trampled on..
isa dragged all of us out there.
ended up at retro room
i was already in a pissed off mood.
dance one song cos they asked me too
then sat one corner with liza..
liza and i ciaoed after that..
well enuff of that..
im tired of venting..
the pt is.
me and liza ended up at al ameen eating
and talking till 6am.
liza was really venting..
cos hana is her cousin..
and well i guess they know each other all toooo well..
what a waste of money that night
and a waste of time..
i dun even get the fuckign progress package
the point of it all is
if i were ever to be with a guy again
i would need one that can take action
and doesnt like to waste time.
wasting time is only meant for girls
god damn it!
oh well.
watched lost and delirious today.
oh god.. it mirrored the whole time i was in love with lin
im so glad that i didnt fall into the darkness the way paulie did
and kill myself..
i really did want to..
i felt so much pain..
so much anger and confusion..and so much sadness..the way paulie did in the movie..
it was so jarring to see all that on screen
and im so glad now that i could overcome that moment..
and i didnt let the darkness consume me..the sadness and the pain..
and know i might never be over her..
because i know in my hearts of hearts i could never love anyone like that again..
but at least im stronger. =)
and yeah love just is.
it just is.
it just is what it is.
you cant explain it.
you cant control it
you can just feel it.
and when u feel it ..
you feel so high..higher than everybody else..
and you look down on them
and u know you're there..
and love just is..
--insignificant lies--
9:38 am
